Blog Entries
February 9th, 2012 Tags: 259th entry

February 9th.

                I think Michelle was right.  She’s rarely wrong.  I’m not saying she was right simply because she’s rarely wrong, that should be clarified.  She’s right because she’s right.  I’ve never given myself closure on the whole Cassie thing.

                I need to move on.  I need to forgive myself.  I need to understand that despite my mistake that day, I am a person that deserves to enjoy his life.  I deserve to love again.  I deserve to give Cassie’s memory rest and peace if only in my own mind. 

                I just don’t know how to go about doing that.

                It’s on my mind now though.  On my radar like a goal for Bastion.  Something I WILL achieve, not something I will discard.

                What does throw me for a hardcore loop is the whole “I’m supposed to fall in love with you” story Michelle gave me.  I haven’t slept good since that night, and I haven’t really seen her either.  She’s been avoiding me, and I’ve been avoiding her.  I don’t think she ever intended to tell me about that, and in her alcohol haze it came out.

                Mindfuck, am I right?  Like, serious fuck with your head bullshit.  I look at her in an entirely different light now.  I used to think she was pretty, and intelligent, and warm and caring and wholesome and all those things that I see as unattainable now.  I see her as someone that I could ruin, instead of someone that could make me a better person in the long run.  I don’t see her as someone I could make happy.

                That’s how my mind works now. 

                God I’m really fucked up.  Like legitimate head case bullshit.  As if I didn’t have enough shit to think about, now I am nearly obsessed with finding out if being with her is a possibility.  It’s the first thing I’ve thought about when I open my eyes in the morning, and I think about it late into the night when I try to fall asleep.

                Do I have a fucking crush now?  Is that what this is?  Jesus.  How old am I?

                I can’t let this get in the way of getting things done.  As much as it would be amazing to be… intimate with her, I can’t let my physical and emotional needs get in the way of being a good leader here.  I have too many people relying on me, and too many decisions to make.  Too many other people to let down.

                I wonder how I’ll get closure on Cassie.  Do I need to go… find her?  I mean fuck.  Our tiny foray into the city the other day came out way in the black, but hell, it could’ve done really fucking south, really fucking quick.  A real trip to the center of the city to the office building she worked at to try and find her would be a goddamn logistical nightmare that’d require every ounce of manpower we could bring to bear to accomplish.

                And for what?

                So I can sleep better at night and get my dick wet without having a gigantic fucking guilt trip?  Yeah that’ll fly when I explain it to people here.  It’ll be like a wet fart in the middle of a fucking funeral service.  I’ll be walked out the back by a bunch of angry men who sodomize me to prove a point.

                Sigh.  I need to put serious mental effort into figuring out how exactly to do that without being treated like a selfish moron.

                Can’t worry about THAT trip into the city right now.  I need to worry about the trip that’s necessary at the moment.  We need far more medical supplies, and the only place that we can think of is the hospital in the city.  It’s near the college where Becca went, and it’s on the far side of the city.  We could skirt it the same way we did to get to the pharmacy near the airport, and according to our people who have been there post-that day, we’ve got a fairly decent and attainable route.

                I should say that our sick folks are now much better, but it took a LOT of the fluids we obtained to get them there.  We’re still what Ethan and Joel describe as being “dangerously low” on bags, and they’re being pretty insistent that we get a move on to get some more.  All of our sick are now off the drips, but if we get a strong hit of that bug again, or we have some folks badly injured we’re going to be bent over and on short notice to get unfucked.

                So we’re formulating a plan to head into the hospital.  Tomorrow we’re sitting down and starting to look at maps to make a planned route in, as well as setting up areas as “noise traps.”  We want to use a similar idea to the radio on the traffic light to draw them out and away from the hospital.  We aren’t quite sure if one will be enough, so we’re going to do some measurements on how sound carries tomorrow to see if we need to set up multiples.  That’ll draw extra trouble our way though, but it might be less trouble than not setting up these traps.  Plus, we can roll up to these noise areas after we’re done (assuming we aren’t running at top speed for our lives) and lay down some HEAVY lead to put the entire mob listening to whatever music we’ve got playing down for the count.

                Distraction and organization for more efficient removal.  Now if we could figure out a way to kill them without wasting serious ammunition, that’d be great.  Unfortunately, fragmentation weaponry is not that effective, nor is fire.  Launching a series of grenades into the crowd will likely knock a bunch of them around but not kill them.  You see shrapnel usually kills by doing internal damage to organs and blood vessels.  Most folks don’t die in a bombing or explosion due to head wounds.  It’s either lacerations to organs, or tremendous overpressure that ruptures your shit.  Zombies laugh at that crap.  Kevin said they did extensive testing in England while they were there.

                Fire as I’ve clearly explained sucks balls for pretty much the same reason.  Fire doesn’t destroy the brain nearly fast enough, and you’re left with an enormous crowd of zombies that are now on fire.  Clearly a “less than” situation.  Now if we had something like a… MOAB, or even just a handful of 105mm artillery shells that we could detonate right on top of the motherfuckers, we’d be in a different boat.  That’d cause enough overpressure to crack skulls and kill these bastards.  Sadly… the collateral damage to structures nearby would be high, but it’s not like we’re going to be using these city buildings any time soon.

                I’ve got the brain trust working on a more efficient kill solution than “spray and pray with the SAWs.”

                Once we have a solid plan in place, we will put it into action, and head into the city once more to secure more medical supplies for Bastion.

                If that goes well, I’ll be far more informed about a trip to find closure.

                To find Cassie.

                In the meantime… I need to stay occupied so I stop thinking about a certain blonde woman that I am supposed to be falling in love with.

 

                -Adrian

NEXT ENTRY

February 7th, 2012 Tags: 257th entry

 

February 7th.

                I’ve been very overwhelmed by life of late.  It’s almost as if the little things have started to pileup so high they’re finally surrounding me.  I feel…

                Trapped.

                I think my priorities are fucked.  The things that should matter most today as I write this are the things that are not on my mind.  I am bothered substantially by some shit Michelle said last night, and not by the strife and turmoil that has enveloped my people here.  I think I’m being selfish again.  I don’t know quite what to do, or where to start.

                Our trip into the very edge of the city was a phenomenal success.  No one was hurt, we got the supplies we so desperately needed, and we put down hundreds and hundreds of undead in the process.  It could not be a more impressive victory on our part.

                Our sick have stabilized and are now getting better.  The IV fluids and medicine Ethan and Joel are pumping into them have returned them to life.  They’re still in the clinic, under armed guard and constant medical care, but all signs as of today point that they are going to survive.  Another clear victory on our part.

                We’ve posted as heavy a guard as we could since we returned, and our long circuit home that led past the Factory hasn’t brought anyone back to our location.  The security cameras there as well as the people there haven’t seen anyone following our tracks.  We also ran back past MGR, so we had multiple places watching our trail.  No one followed us, no undead seemed to have followed us, so once more it appears that we scored a victory.

                We have held our ground on the morale issues.  Alex is still very withdrawn and sad over the death of George.  Poor guy must’ve been so in love, and seeing him mope around, lonely and alone is murderous.  The same can be said for Martin.  Martin’s sadness and his dedication to being a father to little Chester right now is heart breaking.  The kid is torn up over his mom dying, and Martin is torn up over watching his son.  On a selfish note, without Martin’s labor and how-to knowledge, there is a lot of shit that’s not being done right now.  However, I just can’t get myself to the point where I ask him to get back to work.  I just can’t ask him to put everyone else before his grief, and before his son.

                Jeanette is struggling with the loss of her baby boy.  There’s nothing I can say that’s more impactful than that.

                I don’t even want to go into the other people right now.  It’s just total crap. 

                Having said all that, after our return a few days ago we decided to have an event to celebrate our achievement, and mourn the loss of the dead.  Basically we wanted a large gathering to give us a reason to eat, drink, and attempt to be merry.

                It didn’t make much sense in a logistical way though.  Food has been tight, and even with all my jokes that our food consumption “got better” from all our bad luck of late, we are still stretched a little thin.  Having a party where we indulge and overeat and drink is stupid.  However, trying to bring us all back together and a little happier is a bigger deal.

                Michelle led the charge on this, and she did a great job.  She decorated the cafeteria, organized everyone (even the sad and distraught), got the food and drink ready, and made sure everyone showed up on time and was as ready as they could be to have a good time.  Michelle even somehow found the time to light a large candle for each of the dead.  I don’t know where she found all those thick white pillar candles, but there was one for every person who died the other day.  They were lined up on a table, off to the side, silently flickering, reminding everyone of why we were there last night, and why it was important to celebrate their lives, instead of just being sad, and hurt.

                The shindig was… awkward.  It felt forced, and a little contrived to me, but with so many ex military guys, it all starts to come together when the booze beer and wine sets in.  Old Army stories come out, brothers in arms share tales of their boot camp woes, and then we get to this point where we all sit around quietly near each other, heads hung low, and start to really remember someone.  You talk about how they laughed, how they cried, moments when they stood by you, no matter the danger or the stupidity, and you remember just how fucking much someone really means to you.  Just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they don’t still mean something to you.  It makes me realize how much I love my friend Kevin.  Being with him at the party last night and reminiscing about old times, and listening to him talk with his crew about the death of Roger and Kyle made me realize how much I enjoyed our times in the Army together.

                That’s neither here nor there.  I’m still hung up on the real issue that’s bothering me.

                A handful of us got completely plastered.  You’ve probably gotten that much out of my disorganized ramblings. 

                I was just about three sheets to the wind when I caught Michelle’s eye from across the room.  She was watching me talk to Kevin I think, and I raised a can of Canadian beer to her and nodded.  Sort of a “tip my cap” to her moment.  She’d done a decent job at getting this going.  Immediately she started over towards us, and despite being pretty fucking drunk, I remember her being really tipsy as she crossed the floor with the music playing a little too loud.  Kevin managed to stray away just as she showed up, and that left Michelle and I standing there, more than a little awkwardly.

                She and I talked for a few drunken minutes about the party, and how bad things were, and how she hoped that this would bond everyone, and give us a collective “chance to mourn.”  Which I should say she said in a very drunken, yet professional manner.

                Somewhere after that, not too long after, but also not exactly the next thing, we managed to walk over to a side cafeteria table and sit down.  Then she starts asking me “what my plan for myself” was.  I can’t exactly… you know.. remember what I answered her, having a head swimming with booze at the time, but I remember going on and on about how I was worried about doing the wrong thing, and how I felt like I had “make things right” for all my mistakes and shit, and she sat there, staring at me intently.  Then out of the blue she reaches up, gives me this… sweet and awkward caress on the cheek, leans in and gives me a kiss.  It wasn’t quite on the cheek, nor was it on the mouth.  It was… I don’t know.  Affectionate and also innocent at the same time.  I remember being totally shocked as she pulled away slowly, looking at me. 

                I can’t tell you a damn thing about the shit us guys talked about last night, but I will remember the words she said to me next until the day I am old and grey.  Michelle sat there, hands in her lap, looking me dead in the eye, and starts talking without taking a pause.

                “Adrian I was told by many that you and I would fall in love.  They said we’d be together, and when we first met I thought about how wrong they were.  You are rough, raw, vulgar.  Your actions can be rash, and your heart sometimes makes you do the wrong thing.  But now that I know you, I see you for who you are.  I see the sweet man who wants to be there for those he cares for, and to protect anyone he can, despite how dangerous it might be to him.  I have watched that man struggle with the weight of leading, and the crushing weight of his own guilt.  Adrian I’ve talked to people about you and your story.  I’ve heard how you hate yourself over what you did.  How you hate yourself over leaving your girlfriend behind.”

                Michelle stood up at that point, and caressed my cheek again, holding her warm palm against the cool skin of my face, “Adrian I’m falling in love with you.  Not because of some prophecy, or just because God wants it that way, but because you are a tremendous man that I want to learn more about, and to be closer to.  I see you for you the man you are, and the man you can become.  But until you get closure on her, and until you forgive yourself fully for what happened with Cassie, there’s simply no room in your heart for anyone, let alone me.”

                And she left.

                I don’t even know what to do about this.

 

                -Adrian

NEXT ENTRY

 

February 4th, 2012 Tags: 256th entry

February 4th.

                Well.  It’s official.  The city fucking blows.

                Bigtime.

                Any kind of clearing action into the urban areas is going to require an absurd amount of ammunition, and careful planning.  I think we managed to drop somewhere around six or seven hundred undead yesterday, and that more than likely was just the tip of the zombie iceberg.

                After visiting the Factory and dropping off some ammunition, water, and some foodstuffs, we moved along due south down the side of the city, then cut east across the very southern edge.  Most of the area we moved through was suburban.  Very similar to the area surrounding MGR in town.  Mostly two or three story buildings strung down the main corridors, backed up by neighborhoods of varying monetary valuations.  There were a few trailer parks, as well as a few five star neighborhoods.  I saw one gated community off in the distance before we got into the area of the airport’s flight path and that made me wonder if that should be our next major operation.  Pop the gate, secure it, clear the houses inside… and we’ve got a premade mini-Bastion to work out of, right on the edge of the city.

                Food for thought.

                During the drive we passed at least a hundred undead.  Because the roads were still thick with crusty snow still, we couldn’t swerve much to hit them with the HRT plow blade.  We also didn’t want to shoot and make unnecessary noise, nor did we want to just drive past them.  They would follow us for sure, and we didn’t want to dredge up another massive wall of the dead to drive home through.

                Our solution was to slow down to a crawl, and engage them with our suppressed 9mm pistols.  We are still heavily stocked with 9mm, and it was excellent shoot on the move experience.  I’d wager a bet and say just on the drive there we put down… 80 to a hundred undead.  We wasted a fair amount of ammo on misses, but the overall level of satisfaction dropping them cowboy and Indian style from the moving stagecoach was excellent for us.  Improved morale ftw.

                The areas closer to the airport were far more troubling.  Milling about, stuck in the snow and making their way towards us were far too many undead for comfort.  At a point where we realized we would be in trouble if we kept moving without thinning the threat level, we upgraded from suppressed M9s to using our suppressed M4A1s.  Far more firepower, range, accuracy, and all kinds of goodness.  We were far more able to put lead downrange and we churned through another eighty or so undead.  It looks like a complete shitload of people went to the airport before it all went to shit.  Lots of cars on the road, crashed, pulled over, etc.  Traffic was a bitch to weave through.     

                At the major intersection leading into the airport perimeter road area, leading to the industrial park where the medical supplies building was, we implemented our top secret plan.  “Operation Lady in the Red Dress.”  Or if you prefer, “Operation Androgynous Singer That’s Worked Before.”

                From the roof of the HRT I hung a large radio playing… you guessed it, Lady Gaga on a traffic light.  The light was  clearly too high for the undead to reach, and with the duct tape and strap I used, it wasn’t falling anytime soon either.  I set it to repeat “Lovegame” and we got the hell out.

                We didn’t head directly into the airport.  It isn’t a huge one, but neither is it a small one.  We stuck to the perimeter road, and headed directly into the park.  The park itself was only about fifteen structures, arranged along the circular perimeter road.  None of the businesses were worth raiding immediately yesterday, but we took note of what was there.  It was a fluke that one of us remembered seeing the name of the business in the first place.

                We saw the sign for the medical supplies business (ANJ Medical Supply Wholesalers, if you’re curious Mr. Journal) and we pulled in.  We were ecstatic to see that we had tremendous visibility in all directions, and that there were so few undead in the industrial park.  Before we got five feet from our vehicles, we engaged the foot mobile visible undead and secured a perimeter.  Because we brought so many people on this run, we had extra bodies. 

                Twelve made the trip.  It left us a little short on home security, but we felt the risk was necessary.  By vehicle we had Caleb, Abby, Hector and myself.  In the second humvee we had Kevin, Amanda, Quan and Ethan.  In the third humvee we had Martin, Fitz, Angela and Hal. 

                All in all, a great team.

                We posted four outside on foot strictly for security, three in the vehicles as drivers in the event we had to leave in a serious hurry, and we took the remaining five into the building for the clear.  Visibility into the building was limited.  The only windows were in the front, and they were intact (a good sign), and they looked into a set of offices.  The warehouse where our prize awaited was obscured by a series of mundane offices. 

                The main door of the building was unlocked, and after pulling it open as if it were still open for business, we went in and made the building safe.  A central hallway ran straight for twenty feet or so, then turned left for ten, then straight for twenty more, terminating in the double fire doors that opened into the reasonably small warehouse.  I could easily throw a rock from one side of the warehouse to the other and hit the wall on the fly.  The offices were entirely abandoned and devoid of anything dangerous.  Heading into the warehouse though, was a little more frightening.  With no way to get natural light into the space, Kevin and I decided to clear the entire warehouse using NVGs instead of with flashlights.  A little untraditional yes, but we were reasonably sure the warehouse would be empty.  After going up and down the warehouse rack aisles for nearly twenty minutes in the dark, we had the place made safe, and we got the light into the building.  After opening the rear dock and getting a couple of our large lamps turned on, we were in business.

                I am happy to report that we found a LOT of usable bulk medical supplies.  Syringes, bandages, first aid supplies literally out the fucking asshole, casting equipment, saline solutions of various concoctions, and all manner of things I can’t even remember today.  We filled the HRT floor to ceiling, front to back with supplies, and we left a LOT behind.  We took the most essential supplies only, and after securing the warehouse we moved on.  While we were inside (I think about two or three hours) the team outside had to put down about seventy to a hundred more undead closing in from the airport area.  They seemed to be heading from the airport itself towards the sound of the music.

                Our perimeter team was equipped with suppressed weapons though, and they attracted no undue attention to the building we were in.  A relatively quick swing around the park and down another exit off the perimeter road, and we were on the street where the pharmacy was.  I could see the front doors were smashed out, so we didn’t expect much on the inside.  The parking lot and immediate street were peppered with undead heading our way.  The density of them was bad, but not so bad that we needed to bring out the heavy guns yet.  All of us with suppressed weapons firing in a coordinated fashion was enough to keep us safe.

                We were pretty far and out of Lady Gaga hearing range, so we had no distraction to pull undead away from our position.  The sound of our vehicles running was also a big draw so this was a much more hairy operation.  The firing outside during the breach was constant, and we had to pull our vehicle people to bolster exterior security.  The breaching team of five was all action the entire way through.  The pharmacy was a large one with about ten aisles, and we had undead in almost every aisle.  I was firing on lead or Kevin was.  Our guns never stopped snapping off suppressed rounds for a solid ten minutes as we crossed the tops of the aisles, firing down the length at the undead shambling towards the registers at the front where we were.  By the time we got to about the eighth aisle the undead were coming out the end of the ninth and tenth aisle, and the rest of our team had to open up to keep them off of us.

                Sadly, the remainder of our team did not have suppressed weapons, and the sudden roar of normal weapons was deafening in the store.  Previously the loudest noise was the sound of a zombie dropping dead and knocking some shit off the shelves on the way down.  The noise hurting our ears was the least of our problems though.  From outside our team informed us the gunshots were just as loud, and very likely to draw in more trouble.

                The pharmacy in the back mercifully was still sealed.  The steel shutter had been dropped exactly like the pharmacy in town, and after repositioning the HRT in the store opening and attaching the winch to the shutters, it came down with little effort.  We also were able to grab multiple plastic bins from the shelves (pretty much the only things left in the store), and we headed into the pharmacy.

                Ethan had a boner a foot long.  The shelves were obviously raided already (he guessed by an employee, which made sense because the gate had been shut after the theft), but at least half the medications were still present in some usable quantity.  When we were feverishly half way through emptying the remnants of the pharmacy, a call for assistance came from outside.  Abby and I responded. 

                Our gunfire had drawn in well over a hundred undead.  When Abby and I stepped outside and took stock of it, she went left, and I went right.  I had my gun up and firing almost immediately, putting the walking dead down that were closing in on us like a vice.  It was practically a wall of zombies in a circle around us.  After maybe two magazines of my own fire I hit my comms button and asked Hal and Hector to open up with the SAWs on the humvees.

                The ripping fire from the light machine guns sounded like the sky being torn in half.  We’d been firing the nearly silent suppressed weapons the entire time and when those loud ass fully auto guns started barking… Mr. Journal I tell you it sounded like God himself had started tearing the clouds from the sky and throwing them down on us from on high.  The effect on the encroaching plague of undead was immediate and devastating.  The bodies started crumbling to the ground with exploded skulls like a violent tidal wave.  Just ten seconds of accurate, intense fire from the two men with the support weapons annihilated the danger.  I felt so powerful as they let up on the triggers, leaving a few mangled, twitching bodies in their wake.

                We returned the interior to help emptying the pharmacy.

                About fifty more undead visited our location while we continued to fill and remove containers of pills, fluids, and medical supplies.  We are very much set for basic medications for some time.  Shit, we could start a meth lab with all the shit we got there. 

                We rolled out fast, and went back for our radio, still suspended from the traffic light in the middle of the intersection near the radio.  A light rain had started, and when we arrived at intersection, the visibility was getting bad.  It also didn’t help that it was late afternoon, and the sun was setting on us.

                The intersection was entirely filled with a tightly packed HORDE of undead.  There were no less than four hundred undead there.  I guarantee you Mr. Journal there were at least four or five hundred.  It was horrifying in the worst way.  I haven’t seen that many undead mobbed in one place in a damn long time.  Not since Bastion was laid siege to back in March of last year.  We rolled up on them and came to a halt about a hundred yards away. 

                I hit my throat mic and said one word quietly, “SAWs.”  It took maybe ten seconds for Hal and Hector to get their guns up and firing.  The mob of undead had turned in our direction by then and were starting to shamble our way.  Sadly for them, they were no match for 800+ rounds per minute out of two barrels.  Hal and Hector were accurate enough that they were hitting at head level consistently, and the bodies hit the freshly packed flat snow like falling stones.  Both men had to load fresh belts of ammo, which tells you they were firing for quite some time.  I’m sure a lot of those were misses, but with that overwhelming amount of 5.56mm flying out into a crowd that packed in, you KNOW there were mostly hits.

                It took all day for that crowd of undead to form, and it took us three minutes to put every fucking body in that crowd face down in the fresh red snow.  It gave me some hope that one day we might be able to actually clear the fucking city once and for all.  We just need about… 125,000 rounds of ammunition and some armor plated vehicles.

                No problem.

                We drove over the dead bodies, retrieved our radio from the traffic light, and took a wide route home through empty neighborhoods and areas that have long since been abandoned.  We didn’t want to be followed home by someone with ill intentions, especially while so many of us are still sick.

                We were greeted like epic heroes of old.  Then we got down to work emptying the vehicles, getting the medicine stored away properly, and getting the fresh IV bags into the still sick.  Things are bad with them, but like wilting plants, they spruced up within an hour or two of having the fluids inside them.  Crazy how that works.

                I’m wiped.  I’ll say things are still shitty here, despite our good fortunes in the city’s edge.  People are still depressed, withdrawn, scared, and disturbed by the deaths the other night, and it’s only by the virtue of the Michelle, Melissa, and Kim, that folks are keeping it together.

                I’m hoping our supplies last us for a bit so we can focus on getting somewhat back to normal. 

                Normal.

                Ha.

 

                -Adrian

 

 

 NEXT ENTRY

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